Arne

Two weekends ago, I submitted my application for readmission to grad school.

A brief backstory:

Spring and summer of '08, I was going nowhere at work. Experiments were stalled. I wasn't generating any data and none of my techniques were working. Every "established" lab technique was broken in a fun and exciting way, usually involving the equipment, and I couldn't make any headway. I was getting increasingly frustrated and, in retrospect, wonder how hard I really tried. I felt like I was pushing hard, but now I wonder. At the end of the summer there was no money left to fund me. It was suggested that I take a leave of absence, then come back "recharged." In retrospect, again, perhaps I should have.



Instead, I worked for free in the lab all fall, trying to "prove" my dedication and commitment to the lab, the department, and the program. And hoping that one of my experiments would work, and I could show that I was a productive member of the lab. They didn't and I didn't, so I was presented with two options: leave (either with or without a master's, assuming I could write up what I had into a reasonable thesis), or find a new lab on my own.

I was crushed. Humiliated. Outside of my immediate family, I don't think I told anyone. A few people in grad school, maybe, since it would be immediately obvious when I wasn't around. And after that? I guess I went into hiding for a while. Cut myself off from friends and the modest support system that I have. The whole situation was too painful to discuss. In fact, it's even hard to write about now.

Over the winter I applied for several lab tech jobs, and eventually got an offer that was decent. The PI needed someone with molecular biology experience for the research he wanted to do and somehow I was able to convince him that I was up to the challenge, despite my lack of faith in my own abilities. Through the spring and summer the work went well. Experiments actually worked. I was useful and a valuable member of the lab. Well, there were only three of us, but that's beside the point. I contributed. And I started to think that perhaps all the crap that I went through wasn't entirely my fault.

Towards the end of the summer there was a review that came across both my and my boss's radars, combining the stem cell research we were doing with the epigenetics research that I had been doing for the previous four years. We sat and talked for a good hour about the review and the knowledge that I could uniquely bring to our lab. I walked out of the meeting with one thought in my head: "How do I turn this into a thesis?"

What a ridiculous idea! My wife was finishing her residency and had taken a job in Chattanooga. My 33rd birthday was approaching. My last attempt at school ended in failure. And yet, I couldn't get it out of my head.

So, here I am, a few months later, with my application submitted. I've talked with the program director who seems very supportive, so I'm confident that there won't be problems with my readmission. I'm going to change my major from biochemistry and molecular biology to neuroscience, which means I'll have to take a bunch of classes in the spring. Classes which, honestly, I was probably going to take regardless...I don't have enough background for a neuroscience thesis. Still, having to take the classes versus choosing to take the classes makes them that much more daunting. I really believe that I have the ability to be successful, but the voices are still there, whispering at me every time I close my eyes. What if I can't hack it? What happens when it gets hard? What if I fail, again?

Emma has taken a few pictures of her new apartment, now that she's moved in and has finished unpacking. It's pretty cute, don't you think?

The house is quiet, with just me and the cats. I'm not saying that Emma's loud; it's just that with every lack of another footstep and the sound of nothing coming from her office, I'm reminded that I'm here alone. Eventually I'm going to get into a rhythm, get used to being by myself in the house, but for now? It's still weird.

This morning, Emma left for Chattanooga. I'm...well, I've been better. If I don't think about it, I'm okay. The house sure is quiet, though.

I've been in a self-reflective mood the past few days, so when this cognitive psychology tool popped up in a friend's twitter feed I was all about it. If you don't mind, would you pop through to these two following links and contribute your thoughts? Shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Thanks!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=ScienceMonkey
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=ScienceMonkey

Oh, and submitting them anonymously is totally cool with me. I'm mostly curious about the wisdom of the mob, if you will.

Another month, another whirlwind trip. As mentioned previously, Emma is moving to Chattanooga this upcoming Sunday (holy crap!). This week we rented a small U-haul and delivered most of her personal effects to the new apartment.

Emma drove most of the way. I was there mostly for the hour of truck loading and unloading. Works for me.


On the road, we stopped at one of Emma's favorite places, Cracker Barrel. Between you and me, I think she likes shopping in the attached store more than she likes the food.


We made it to Chattanooga by late afternoon, so we didn't have to fight much traffic and didn't have trouble parking next to Emma's apartment building. Her apartment is right downtown, so I (at least) was a little concerned about parking the behemoth truck, but that was a non-issue. This is the view from her apartment building door. The blue bridge on the left is a walking bridge that goes across the Tennessee River to a semi-artsy area of town. On the right, where you see the couple walking, is a bridge across the road to the Hunter Museum of American Art and the Bluff View Arts District.


After unloading the truck and resting a little (what a great men's US Open finals, huh?), Em and I walked across the glass bridge to a nice little Italian restaurant in the Bluff View area. On the way, outside of the Hunter Museum, we saw a sculpture that looked oddly familiar...


It's like a little taste of home, eh? For comparison, here's a picture of Alachua, affectionately known as the French Fries, by sculptor John Henry.

After dinner we were both exhausted and crashed at the new apartment and got up reasonably early for our return trip. Today I'm back at work, getting caught up on emails and the like. Happy Wednesday!

For any of you reading this who don't know, Emma's moving up to Chattanooga. She finished her residency and has a great job in a primary care clinic, starting at the end of this month. We're driving up tomorrow with a small Uhaul loaded with her personal stuff -- clothes, yarn, books; you know, the essentials -- and then she's moving up full-time next Sunday.

My plans (for the time being, at least) are to stay here though December. Emma found an excellent furnished corporate apartment in the middle of downtown, just two blocks from the aquarium, and only about 15 minutes from her new clinic. We're going to alternate visits, with me going up there for one weekend, her coming back for the next, then taking a week off. Other than those alternate weekends, it's going to be just me and the cats at home. Pizza and beer, anyone?

Change is scary.

Problem #1: I enjoy taking pictures. I wish I were a better photographer. To get better, I need to take more pictures and learn what works and what doesn't.

Problem #2: I have been neglecting my poor blog something awful. I ought to post more.

Solution: Picture of the Day! Every day for as long as I can keep it up, I'm going to post a picture that I took that day. Since I'm posting it to the blog, it will probably be a picture of something going on in my life, but it might not be. Honestly, it will probably be a bunch of random stuff.



It's been raining a lot the past few days and I've been amused by how happy the garden frogs look, sitting in the front yard birdbath. While I am enjoying the cool temperatures, the constant gloom and drizzling rain are not helping my mood. That said, we really do need the rain, so I'm not going to complain too loudly.

My toes! They are covered! Although, I did find myself wishing my feet weren't quite so big over the weekend. Just a little off the middle, eh?

Otherwise, I'm thrilled at how well the sock is coming along. Love, love, love this colorway.

Morning: A neighborhood bird watch, sighted on my walk to work.




Evening: Well-melted Sil-pat, that tried to burn the house down.

An overview of what I have on my needles (and what's coming next), mostly to get my head wrapped around the big pile o' paper bags from Hanks:

- Wallaby: I started this last summer on our Colorado vacation. It's going to be a gift for a friend of ours who has two girls, and Emma and I joked at the time that I should aim the size for the older one. That way either the girls could share it/pass it down if I finished it quickly or, more likely, it'd be ready for the baby when she was big enough to wear it. It looks like the second one is more likely...I'm adding on the pouch on the front and am having a wicked hard time with it. It sounds like an easy plan: use a crochet needle to pull new loops of yarn through a low row, pick up those stitches, and make a pouch. I don't know if it's my motor skills or what, but I'm having a horrible time making this look decent. So, what to do? Keep fighting? Skip the pouch? Or rip back to the base of the pouch and try another way to kick it off? I'm leaning towards the third, but this project is at the bottom of the pack, and that makes me sad.
- Sarah's Socks: These are the socks that I started way back when, when I took that sock class. I have one of the socks done and have completed the second sock through the heel flap and have picked up the stitches to do the gusset decrease. I don't like how the picked up stitches look, though, so I need to back up a round or two and fix them. I haven't yet found the joy in picking up stitches, so these are lower on the pile, which mostly makes me sad. As I've mentioned before, these are a gift for a dear friend, and I feel bad that I haven't yet finished them for her. Soon, Sarah! I promise!
- 2009 Afghan: January Square: Done, essentially. I need to weave in the ends and block. I'm waiting until the second one is done so I can block them together, because I'm lazy. Yay!
- 2009 Afghan: February Square: This was going beautifully well for two of the seven repeats, and looking really nice, until I decided to try and knit, drink beer, and watch TV on the computer at the same time. Bad call. Well, perhaps the knitting was okay, but I didn't write down where I was when I stopped and keep getting a different answer each time I count. Bother. I think I can back up a bit and save this, but it may be time to rip it wayyyyy back and start again.
- Purple Raven Widdershins: Just starting, as detailed yesterday, and rocking them. Or, perhaps they're rocking me. At any rate, this is my current carry-it-around-everywhere project and am having a fun time with this project.
- Gator Speed Racer: This is my immediate next project. I bought some of the yarn and did the swatching back in the fall, but has been on hold since then. I have a Christmas project -- ack!!! -- that I still need to finish before I'm allowed to cast this one on. The remainder of the yarn is here in town and I'm ready to rock with it, as soon as I finish that needlepoint. I have a couple skeins of the blue wool at home and the rest is at the yarn store, ready for me to come ransom it as I have some free cash.

So, I think that's it. I have a ton of sock yarn, somehow, that neither Emma nor I remember buying, and am looking forward to making a bunch of nice socks with it. Most of it is even boy-colored, so I can make a bunch of socks for myself this summer. I have a few other random skeins of yarn in the stash, too, waiting for projects. I have an awesome skein of Franklin's Panopticon that I think is going to start a second Wallaby, once I figure out the technical problems of the first. This will, of course, need to be supplemented with more yarn, unless I make a really, really tiny sweater. I also have some cool handspun that I got for my birthday that is looking for a project. It's part mohair, so it'd make some seriously itchy socks, so that idea's out. Hopefully I'll get inspired as I finish these other projects. Note to self: finish these other projects!

As you may recall, for my birthday last year I got a membership in one of the inaugural Hanks Yarn and Fiber sock clubs. And wayyyy back in October, I got my first skein of yarn, an unbelievably sexeh number called Purple Raven. Since that time, I have dorked around on a few projects and have faithfully carried the wee skeins in the bottom of my knitting back, just waiting until the time was right to start. Eventually, I realized that the time would never be "right," so I dove in.

From the best little yarn shop in Gainesville, I got a pair of Addi turbo #2 needles and dove into the generic Widdershins toe-up pattern. Magic cast-on, indeed! I didn't actually *swatch*, per se, but I did some measurements and took a few guesses about the gauge, and dove in. Yeah...the results? Not so nice. It was a remarkable combination of over- and underthinking that left me with a butt-ugly mess. The process, however, felt good. It just needed a little tweaking.

Back to the yarn store for a new pair of needles, because clearly that will solve everything! Addi turbo #0s, this time. The 00s and smaller needles are strangely appealing to me but at the same time I think I'll snap them like twigs in my clumsy hands, so 0s. Excellent. So, what did we learn last time? We learned that we cast on way too many stitches, so let's do significantly fewer this time. Gauge? Lolwut? This time, it actually works out reasonably well! The magic cast-on is awesome and the increases are...well, increasing, but it rapidly becomes obvious that I haven't cast on enough stitches. My feet are not nearly pointy enough to fit into these putative socks. Rip it all back and start again! I do have a picture of the "end" result, though, from this attempt:



So, okay, let's do some guesstimating. That was 20 stitches cast on and it was too small, so let's try 40! Good planning, right? Cast on...knit...knit...increase...it's okay, but...hmm. I think this is going to be too big, if you can believe it. And I *really* don't like how those increases are looking. There's a hole, because the way I know how to do increases is to grab the running yarn between stitches and use that to make a new loop. Ick. To the yarn store, quick! Help me, Obi Wan Haldechick! You're my only hope!

After a quick lesson in alternative increases (and how to twist the stitches on the way I was doing it, so as to obscure the hole a little), I'm back for stab #4. This time I cast on 28 stitches (shut up! it's a perfectly cromulent amount!) and am using the knit-into-the-front-and-back technique I have just learned to do the increases, and am very happy with how it's going. It's still too small, but I just realized that I'm doing twice as many increases as I thought I was, so I think this is going to end up close to correct. We'll see. Worst case? Take five. :-D

I know it's been going around Facebook for a while now, and since I've been tagged eleventy-three times I guess I should participate. Plus, I don't have any real content that I want to write about at the moment, so...

1. I've recently learned how to knit and really like it. I'm not great at it yet, but I find it relaxing. Productive fidgetting.
2. 32w44444444444444444444444444444444444444444422222222222222222222244444444. That was Rorschach's entry, written as he tried to steal my piece of string cheese.
3. I feel like an impostor most of the time.
4. Although I proudly self-identify as a geek, I haven't yet found my topic to really geek out over. For instance, I read Watchmen for the first time last year.
5. I'm really good at starting new projects and getting them to about two-thirds done, but I really stink at grinding out that last bit. I'd much rather think about the Next New Thing.
6. I am an Eagle Scout. Probably not a huge surprise.
7. I am really enjoying reconnecting with friends (and people I wasn't even close with) from high school on Facebook. Five years ago, ten years ago, I would have sworn that I was done with most people from high school forever. Today? It's kind of nice catching up. Something about shared miseries, hehe.
8. Sometimes I want to take up smoking, for the weight-loss benefits.
9. I once stole a door from my fraternity's basement, then wasn't believed when I admitted it. No, wait, that was Richard Feynman.
10. I just accepted a job working for a neuroscience lab who wants to move into cell and molecular biology. Ack! /panic
11. I wish I had more hobbies that I was good at. Current desires: learning to play the piano, being a better knitter, learning to spin (!), having a garden, brewing beer, pwning n00bs in PVP.
12. Over the past few months, I have watched seasons 1 through 3 of the US version of The Office and love it. I remember watching the first few episodes when it originally aired and hating it and am really impressed with how they've found their voice and improved. Can't wait to get caught up with seasons 4 and 5 and whatever is airing now. Is that 5?
13. My gaming PC just died and my laptop has probably gone past its expected lifetime. Hmm. I want to replace the laptop with a MacBook, but what do I do with the gaming PC? Relatively inexpensive new MB/processor/video card? That's probably worthwhile.
14. I need a haircut.
15. I keep thinking of things that amuse me to write when I'm away from my computer, then forgetting about them by the time I get back to my office.
16. I mindlessly tap, hum, and whistle constantly, much to my wife's annoyance.
17. I really need to take a shower and get doing something productive today.
18. I've lived in Gainesville for almost my entire life. While I really like it, I would like to live in some different areas before we finally settle down.
19. I wish I were a better writer.
20. I've gotten in the habit of listening to Old Time Radio when I fall asleep at night. My mind seems to need a little bit of a distraction, or I have difficulty falling asleep. If I do manage to fall asleep without some noise, I tend to have bad dreams.
21. I remember bad memories more clearly than good ones. For instance, two of my earliest memories from school are being laughed at because I didn't know where to put the tray in the cafeteria after lunch in kindergarten and having to write my name on the board in first grade because I was too loud. How petty, but still...
22. I've carried a Swiss Army knife or Leatherman in my pocket since tenth or eleventh grade. If I did that know, I'd probably be expelled. Hell, I probably could have been expelled then.
23. I like to cook and am good at following a recipe. I think there's some sort of connection between science and cooking, but maybe that's just how my brain works.
24. I'm out of good ideas to share.
25. While beer and bacon are delicious, I doubt that bacon-flavored beer would be very good.

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search.

Arne needs #'s.
Um...okay. I don't really like talking on the phone that much, but if Google says it, it must be true!

Arne looks like a toker too.
*snicker*

Arne says deficits [are sexier than Paris Hilton]!
Well...I'm not sure I can argue with that too much. She'd be attractive if she weren't, you know, Paris Hilton.

Arne wants to destroy the tree.
Where's my chainsaw?!

Arne does YIMBY.
I have no idea what this means. I followed the link, and it's a picture of a dude holding a bushel of apples. Canadian apples.

Arne hates animated emoticons.
Hear hear!

Arne asks how you doin'?
Yeah, baby. How *you* doin'?

Arne likes to work out, swim, skydive (one jump so far, but more to come), snowboard, travel in Africa and elsewhere, film and watch movies, listen to music...
Nice! Except...well...no, I'm not allowed, I'm not coordinated enough, I'd love to, watch movies yes, doesn't everybody...

Arne eats by himself after practice.
*sniff*

Arne wears corsets?!
Hahaha. Full disclosure, that wasn't the top answer, but it was the funniest.

Arne was arrested for using a curseword while addressing an officer.
Fight the power, me! Amusingly, this was even from the Gainesville Sun.

Arne loves Guitar Hero...he really does.
Yeah, that's a pretty fun game. I don't think I can make my tongue do that, though.

Yesterday afternoon, my friend Sarah and I went to see the sandhill cranes that have descended on Payne's Prairie. It was simply amazing. Go see them!





Sorry about the wind noise in the video...I guess I'll have to go back and tape another one, huh? :-D

The preceding dead air was brought to you by Old Glory Insurance.

The top 100 books that were challenged from 1990-2000. Ones I've read are in bold.

1. Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
2. Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
4. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
6. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
7. Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling
8. Forever by Judy Blume
9. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
10. Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
11. Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
12. My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
13. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
14. The Giver by Lois Lowry
15. It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
16. Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
17. A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
18. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
19. Sex by Madonna
20. Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
21. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
22. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
23. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
24. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
25. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
26. The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
27. The Witches by Roald Dahl
28. The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
29. Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
30. The Goats by Brock Cole
31. Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
32. Blubber by Judy Blume
33. Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
34. Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
35. We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
36. Final Exit by Derek Humphry
37. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
38. Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
39. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
40. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
41. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
42. Beloved by Toni Morrison
43. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
44. The Pigman by Paul Zindel
45. Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
46. Deenie by Judy Blume
47. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
48. Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
49. The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
50. Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
51. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
52. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
53. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
54. Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
55. Cujo by Stephen King
56. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
57. The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
58. Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
59. Ordinary People by Judith Guest
60. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
61. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
62. Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
63. Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
64. Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
65. Fade by Robert Cormier
66. Guess What? by Mem Fox
67. The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
68. The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
69. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
70. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
71. Native Son by Richard Wright
72. Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday
73. Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
74. Jack by A.M. Homes
75. Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
76. Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
77. Carrie by Stephen King
78. Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
79. On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
80. Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
81. Family Secrets by Norma Klein
82. Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
83. The Dead Zone by Stephen King
84. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
85. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
86. Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
87. Private Parts by Howard Stern
88. Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford
89. Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
90. Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
91. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
92. Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
93. Sex Education by Jenny Davis
94. The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
95. Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
96. How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
97. View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
98. The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
99. The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
100. Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

22/100, so far as I can remember (and assuming I counted right). I may have read more of the Stephen King or the Judy Blume back when I was a young'un, but I don't specifically remember. As for the challenge to read a new one...hmmm. I've been wanting to read The Handmaid's Tale for a while so I'll pick that up next time I go to the bookstore.

I had my first sock knitting class on Saturday, and look what I've done so far! I did the one on the left during class and have done the one on the right since then. The next class isn't for two weeks, so I've got plenty of time to do my homework (knit the body of the sock). Next class we learn how to make the heel.

One problem. These socks are way too small for me and are even too small for my wife. So, um, anybody want a pair of socks in about a month? You need to have moderately dainty feet to qualify, at least for this pair. Edit: Claimed! Victory to the swift!